Almost all of us have experienced separation anxiety in one form or another. For sure, the first day of school is anxious for children and parents, both kindergarteners and college students. So is going away to the first overnighter or moving to a different city.
Anxiety is fear of the unknown. For some that worry can be overwhelming. About 50% of people of all ages have an anxiety disorder. Separation anxiety varies widely between children. Some babies become hysterical when mom is out of sight for a very short time and other children seem to demonstrate ongoing anxiety at separations during infancy, toddlerhood and preschool. Separation anxiety is difficult for parents as well as the crying child. While it is an entirely normal behavior and a beautiful sign of a meaningful attachment, separation anxiety can be unsettling for all.
This awareness of loss/separation may happen as early as 4-5 months but usually develops around 9 months. Many toddlers skip separation anxiety in infancy and start developing these behaviors at 15-18 months. Separations are more difficult when children are hungry, tired or sick. As children develop independence they become more aware of separations and can be loud and tearful. By the time children are 3 years of age they understand the effect their anxiety and begging have on parents. Do they do it on purpose?? They are trying to change the plan. It is important that the parent is consistent, doesn’t return to the room or change the plans based on separation anxiety.
Tips for surviving Separation Anxiety in children is given in healthychildren.org are as follows:
- Create quick good-bye rituals. Hug, kiss and a short and sweet good-bye
- Be consistent. Try to do the same drop-off with the same ritual at the same time each day. A routine allows the child to build trust in her independence and with the parent
- When separating give your child full attention, be loving and say good-bye quickly.
- Keep your promise. A parent builds trust and independence in their child when the parent sticks to their promise to return. The child learns they can survive without the parent.
- Be specific about the time you will return that the child understands. For instance you will return after naptime not at 3 PM.
- Practice being apart. Take your child to grandmother’s home, schedule playdates, and allow friends and family to provide child care (even for an hour). Before starting child care of preschool, practice going to school and your good bye ritual before you even have to part ways.
- It is important that children have a chance to experience independence and thrive in the absence of their parent.
You can start the same steps with infants and develop a separation ritual.
If the child is not able to adapt to being without their parent talk to your health care provider for help to make a plan to support both the child and the parent.
By Sally Robinson, MD
Keeping Kids Healthy
University of Texas Medical Branch (UTMB)
Published August 2025